the glorious life of being a dairy cow, I mean.. a breastfeeding, pumping mama.

I've been back at work three weeks now, which means I spend most of my time at work pumping away, then on weekends I get to cuddle up to Avi and nurse her. Most people dream about breastfeeding baby one day, and I did too, however there are aspects of being a breastfeeding now pumping mama that I didn't expect, you know the glorious part that includes wet shirts and engorged boobies.

In the beginning, like 30 seconds after birth, you learn how to latch your baby on, then you experience the burning pain that is your virgin nipples slowly being destroyed by that precious little baby. Combine that with your uterus cramping like you're giving birth again and you're off to a good start! No worries, the uterine cramping will help shrink it down to size again and your nipples will become tough old lady nips.

Finally all your milk comes in a few weeks post partum and you're getting the hang of nursing. Some people feel they have low milk supply so they do all sorts of magic to get their supply up. Things like certain teas and wheat beer and supplements. I did some of that mainly because I panicked that I could be someone with low supply (no reasoning behind this, just crazies), so I did all the witch craft but didn't necessarily noticed a change in supply. Flash forward to 10 weeks post-partum when we took a vacation to Arizona. I had a few mojito drinks the night we got in. The next day was leak central. I'm talking about (leave this page if you don't want graphic details of my boobies...) a continuous stream coming out of one boob. I was trying to nurse, but Avi was both too full and also choking on the fire hose I was trying to feed her with. I had to lean over the bed just so all that milk didn't soak the sheets... it just poured and poured onto the floor while husband watched in horror.

I mean... the kid is right there and she still couldn't help this hot mess.

Yup, those fantastic huge boobs that got me so many free drinks in my early twenties were now something of a horror show. It's like you want to look away in disgust but at the same time there I am laying on the bed with a passed out milk coma baby, one ginormous boob dangling over the bed and a stream of liquid gold flooding the floor of the hotel room. It doesn't get sexier than this. I couldn't figure out the culprit, it was the worst I've ever experienced. Every day on that vacation I was a walking wet t-shirt contest, party of 1. I pumped and I nursed and I still leaked. Meeting up with a friend for brunch, I thankfully wore a patterned dress, because by the end of our brunch my dress was soaked down to my waist. DOWN. TO. MY. WAIST.

Didn't get the pump on fast enough and boobies got excited

Every time I leave the house I have to wonder if I'm going to leak. I have to wear patterned shirts, bring extra shirts and stuff my bra with pads. I mean, come on! I have to put pads in my bra! FAIL. I wake up in the morning with soaking sheets and comforters. I'm a mess. My child looks at me with disgust. I try and force feed her my boob and fatty tuna even gets sick of it, just smiles and mocks me as milk runs down my boob. So much waste.

Leaking at work is always fun. Mistake with no pattern shirt.

So aside from all my leaky problems, I also look forward to wearing the sexy bras that allow me to nurse... said no one ever. I am basically living in my great grandma's bra from the flapper era. This thing hoists these milk jugs up to my shoulders and also has a nice pull down slot to easily nurse. I love how there are balconette nursing bras that you can actually buy. Yeah, hi, I have like size H milk sacks, I don't need to be forcing cleavage. I'm pretty sure if I were to wear a balconette or low cut nursing bra, these babies would just cut free and then I'd have to worry about leaking and my huge tits ripping out of my bra, no thanks, I'll wear my great grannies bra. Also, when you're nursing or pumping you can't wear the cute things of pre-pregnancy. No more dresses unless they're nursing dresses, or unless you're comfortable taking off your dress to nurse. That may get tricky. You constantly have to think about your outfit because if you throw on something from your cute days, you'll find yourself screwed without access to your boobers.

Then there's the painful side that can happen. The other night I woke up with terrible pain in my right boob. I could feel it was slightly lumpy and when Avi would nurse there was a burning pain that radiated into my armpit. It just took my breath away, and not in a good way. I knew it probably was a plugged milk duct. I wanted to avoid nursing cause it hurt so bad, but also knew that was the worst idea. The throbbing pain kept me up most of the night, so by 6am I decided I needed to get in the hot shower to massage this fat blob out of my boob. At this point my milk most likely turned into butter, which clogged my ducts. No, don't worry that's not actually a thing... I don't think. Avi was starting to wake at that point so I had to set her in her vibratey chair in front of the shower. Like a zombie I stood in that shower massaging my boob and could see her screaming for boobies, however my shower is pretty sound proof so I just sat in there. Sorry kid, mom needs a break. My boob is on fire and I want to die.After a day of nursing through the pain, it's better. Ahh the things we do.

On the possible bright side of things, is the insatiable appetite. I didn't notice it the last few months but think it's in full gear now. We had friends over for a weekend and we gorged ourselves on all sorts of bad delicious treats. I noticed the problem when 3 out of 4 of us were full to the point of wanting to vomit. The odd man out? This girl. I was confused. I was still hungry and everyone wanted to barf? Crap.

The weirdest thing about breast milk for me is that I hoard it. I don't know why. I can't explain it. But if I have leftover milk I freeze it to create a frozen stash for I don't know, a rainy day? I mean I'm producing breast milk from my breast but I still feel the need to create a frozen collection of milk. I don't want to waste a drop of this liquid gold. Like I'm crazy obsessed with it. I rush home after work with the thought that if I get there fast enough, Avi doesn't need the last bottle, therefore I can just nurse her and save the bottle for later or freeze it. I am like a doomsday prepper with my breast milk (ugh that doesn't even make sense). I want to create the largest stock pile and give very detailed instructions for the use of the milk and then I want to supervise the people using it to make sure there is no waste. You think I'm kidding? I've gone batshit crazy about this milk and I'm not really sure why. I get so geeked out excited when I pump a lot at work. Like it consumes my mind for awhile, and then it's time to pump again and I see if I can get as much or more the second time. Like a dumb competition with myself and my boobs. Man that's crazy. So crazy that I've taken pictures of the milk I've pumped. You wouldn't take pictures of a glass of cows milk and be like "oh man, poured myself a glass of milk today!" No.

All of the craziness and messiness is totally worth it though. My fatty tuna baby is fat and roly from all the milk that I make straight from my body.

That's pretty cool.

I made this!