The good, the bad, and the gassy. Here's too much info about pregnancy. You've been warned.

So now that I'm moving into my third trimester, I feel like I've experienced enough about pregnancy to write all about it... I'm sure the last few months will be a doozy and bring some other fantastically wonderful bodily-fluid-filled surprises, but don't you worry, I will update you later on those. For the mommies to be, or mom's with experience, or just the curious cats out there, I share with you all the wonderfulness that is pregnancy. If you don't want to read about the craziness and grossness, I suggest you read other blogs about butterflies and unicorns.

The good...really the BEST:
I can't get enough of my baby girl moving inside me. It's pretty much the same every day, it's not like she ventures to some new territory, but it's still magical to me. It makes me feel so close to her, even though she has not entered the world yet, it's kinda crazy. It's like a bond that we've formed (literally from my uterus) that gives me a feeling I can't explain. She's gotten bigger now so I see her body rolling and swimming or body part protruding and I sit and stare in awe, wondering what she looks like, and what she's thinking or dreaming about. I love when I am able to share these moments with my husband, or videotape them to send to my mom. Sometimes I think I'm borderline obsessed with watching her move and then get sad that in a few months it will all be over, and I will no longer carry her inside me. Welcome third trimester emotions!

I love how people treat me like a delicate flower, like I can't do basic tasks like feed myself or bathe myself... well not really, but people won't let me carry groceries to my car, or really carry anything, no matter the weight. I finally look like a pregnant woman and not just an obese heffer trudging around, and people notice this and help me out. It makes me feel special and unique, and yes, I play up my helplessness, but hey, this won't last forever...now help me put my pants on!

People tell you how cute or beautiful you are. This would be weird and random in real non-preggo life, but hey, when you're like 789 pounds and carrying a human inside you, even if you feel it's a lie, it makes you feel better.

I'm not sure what category this falls into, if I had an awkward category it would go there. Nonetheless... so I box at the gym with my trainer at least once a week, which we've been doing for awhile now, before pregnancy, and it was no big deal. There must be something fascinating about a pregnant chick boxing, because dudes literally stop, stare and then get too close... like they watch. It's uber weird, like shouldn't you be working out? Last week a guy sat a few feet from me and watched for 30 minutes! I should start charging for the show I must be putting on.

The bad:
Sleep? What's that. Now whoever thought that you become sleep deprived even before the baby comes. What the shit is that?! Last night I laid down and immediately felt like I couldn't breathe, my heart was exploding and maybe I was stroking.....oh, the baby just wanted me to lay on my right side and not my left. Thanks. Got it. Rolling over in bed doesn't seem like such a huge deal, until your husband (or whomever is in bed with you) comments "what's wrong, why are you making that grunting noise" and you're like, "shit, I was? I'm just turning over in bed."

Because there's a human taking up all the space on the inside, you eat a smaller portioned meal than pre-pregnancy and literally feel like you may die or give birth right then and there.Walking home after eating dinner? Forget about it, you will huff and puff like you're on The Biggest Loser all while trying not to vom up the meal. I learned the hard way. Was really hungry so ate a big bowl of cereal and milk... like gobbled it down followed by a glass of water. Within 5 minutes projectile milk-vomit. No joke.

You can't really control your bodily fluids or gasses (see below). You sneeze? You pee. I call it a sneeze-pee, which is cool and all for your grandma, but I haven't even stretched out the cooter and pelvic floor yet! It's like the baby does a little tap dance-a-roo on your bladder when you sneeze. Aww, so cute, now I have to change my clothes. If you manage not to pee, you will almost give birth. Me, walking down the hallway at work in front of many people, a large viscous sneeze takes over my body and I'm pretty sure Meeba crowned a little and then slithered back in. It must have been quite the site because someone yelled "holy crap!" 

The gassy: 
Holy crapshoot, I don't know about the other preggers out there, but this preggo is a gas making machine. There are some discreet people in this world, I am not one of them clearly, who have never farted in front of like anyone.... well shit, that's craziness. I hold it in at work, but that's where I draw the line, sorry peeps. Now that I'm preg, I almost don't have an option. I feel like the baby kicks my colon and within a second my butt blows open- no warning or anything. Yes, this happened in the grocery store... I'm just lazily strolling down an isle when BUTT EXPLOSION happened. I mean not quiet at all. I almost had no idea where it came from, I looked around, realized what happened... and then sprinted away. By sprinted, I mean waddled as quickly as I could. Holy crap you've got to be kidding me! 

And yes, I think it's essential for every preg to get a pair of Tieks... they are so comfy and will grow with your swelling monstrous feet.