I have dedicated a majority of my time since Avielle has been born, developing a nursing and pumping relationship. When I went back to work last April, I learned how to manage my time and include pumping sessions. I learned how much milk my baby needed while I was away. I learned what bottles or nipples worked best. I learned that hand washing is much better than the dishwasher for all those tiny parts. I learned that a hand pump is great for long car trips. I learned how to travel in an airport with breast milk. I learned a lot. When I went back to work, I made the decision to continue to offer breast milk to Avi, and that meant pumping at work. Since April, I have been pumping every two hours while at work.
EVERY TWO HOURS.
I would miss meetings. I would take my lunch break while pumping. I would pump in the car to and from work. I even pumped during breaks at job interviews. When I started a new job I had to fight for my right to pump in a locked office. I ate oatmeal, drank mother's milk tea, carried a water bottle around for hydration, did anything I could to maintain my supply to keep up with a growing child.
I always had a freezer stash from my small random pumping sessions shortly after Avi was born. I was lucky to never need to use that frozen stash. Until now.
Avi is 19 days away from being one. I will make it to my goal of breastfeeding/pumping for at least a year, however I am still saddened by the fact that I have noticed a drop in my supply. I pump about a third of what I used to. I don't even pump my left breast anymore, that gave up on me months ago. Oatmeal and tea don't change a thing. The past week I have relied on some of my frozen stash. I suppose that is why we create a frozen stash, but there is a feeling of inadequacy looming above me yet.
There's a feeling of sadness, of doubt and secretly, of failure. I can't explain it. To most, it would sound ridiculous. I've made it a year! I worked so hard to balance and perfect this relationship, to keep it going, to keep it a float. I should be proud. Yet, there's a piece of me that wishes I got to make the decision of when I was done. I feel that my body is making the decision for me. I feel in a way, by body is not keeping up. Failing me.
This end also means how grown up my baby is. Soon, she will wean herself from the breast as well, possibly before I'm ready. Right now I am still her world. Her comfort, her nourishment, her everything. Soon, she will choose other ways to comfort. She will be able to soothe without her mama. And that's okay. Yet, it still stings a little.
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| I helped with those rolls |
One year. In the beginning I wasn't sure I would make it. Seems like a lifetime. Now, it feels like it went too quickly. Like I didn't get to soak it up enough. Relish in the moments. My mind isn't ready to be done, but my body is.
Even as I type these words, they choke me. I look at Avielle sleeping soundly and know that I have done my very best to provide for her this last year. I know deep down it was quite an accomplishment. Tomorrow I will leave for work and she will not nurse. She will be too busy playing to notice me slip away. She will be too busy to notice she didn't nurse before mama left, and that's okay. It will be okay.
Soon, I will be able to look back at the year with awe. I will get to that point. I am just not there yet.
19 more days to reach my goal.
