Sleep monster

Sometimes I find myself getting caught up in the world of babies, especially the social media world. I belong to countless new mom groups on facebook, which is helpful to ask for advice or words of encouragement from other moms. Unfortunately it also allows for little voices to get into you head. There are so many questions every day regarding sleep. When you become a mother, no doubt your world changes. All of a sudden you have this little person to care for to the best of your ability. In the first few weeks to months, it's pure survival mode. Once you gain your footing, you begin to really develop a parenting style and form opinions on certain topics. The biggest source of anxiety for me is sleep.

THE TOPIC OF SLEEP IS THE DEVIL.

The way Avi and I sleep was not planned or thought out, it just sort of happened. We began co-sleeping (bed sharing to be exact) around 2.5 months. I planned to put her in a crib at 6 months, but then she had a sleep regression, so I thought, maybe later, and then we went on a vacation, so I thought, maybe after we returned. Now she's 9 months and I stop and think to myself, what are my goals and wishes with this little human and her sleep habits?

I've gotta be honest here. I am HAPPY with my sleep situation. It's become a comfort for me, and no doubt Avi. She reaches for me at night, our bodies close, I know her breathing pattern. I somehow only wake for real cries and continue to sleep through the rolls, position changes and coos of a little baby. When she's sick, I'm able to monitor her closely and it also brings me peace knowing my closeness makes her feel better.

Although I am happy with our sleep situation, I still feel the lurking voices of western society creeping into my thoughts. Is she sleeping through the night? Is she still nursing at night? Get her into her own crib, let her cry it out, teach her to self soothe....I start to panic and doubt my ability as a mom. Have I created a monster? I talk to sleep consultants, I read books, I scour the many questions regarding sleep posted on all my mom facebook groups. I start to think, yes, I am going to sleep train her and get her out of my bed.

But then I slow down and think about this. Why am I changing how things are? I start thinking about all the other cultures outside the western world, bedsharing often being the norm. I work with many Filipino women who also bedshare. When I asked some of them about cosleeping, they talk about it without question or shame, it's the norm, almost like there's no other option. They bedshare until their child is ready for their own bed, no longer wanting to be with mom and dad. That is their normal. That is what has worked for them for centuries, even as that culture has merged with our western one.

So, this white American girl may be going against the grain, but I am doing what feels right, and more importantly what is working. I have to be honest. Some nights are a battle. Avi won't go to sleep; we try rocking, I hold her, we let her cry for a bit, I nurse... it's all a guessing game. Sure, it may be easier if we do a training regimen teaching her to soothe herself and be quiet when put in bed, but I am also not sure I believe she should be forced to get there right now. Maybe she's not ready to self soothe. Maybe there's a reason she is crying and doesn't want to sleep alone in the crib. On those nights I tell myself, "this too shall pass," she won't cry forever, she will eventually sleep, and she will not go to college still sleeping in my bed.

Am I creating a monster? Absolutely not. I am loving and nurturing my child the only way I know how. I'm listening to my heart and my instincts. I know that life is short, and in the blink of an eye she will be a teenager thinking of things to do besides hang out with her un-cool mom, so for now I relish in the moments where I am her everything. I am her source of warmth, food, happiness and joy.

This will not last forever.


These are choices I have made. I choose to nurse my baby when she cries, sometimes to sleep. I choose to sleep next to her. I choose to snuggle and sometimes rock her to stop the tears. I make choices as a mom that I feel are the best for me. So stay out of my head societal opinions. We are gonna rock this.