Post-partum. We don't talk about it enough.

Some people feel amazing after having a baby and they are filled with joy and unicorns and puppies, but I think those people are liars or zombies. There's way more to the post-partum world that no one really seems to talk about, except me, because I like to be chatty about taboo subjects. I want to preface this by saying I don't have a history of depression or any other mental illness (no husband, this is not a place to insert joke here.) This is based off my experience with my breastfed baby in the first few weeks to months. Your journey may be different. There may be pieces of my journey that you can relate to or maybe not at all.

When you leave the hospital, it's surreal. You get in the car with this little human and just go home. Just like that. You left for the hospital with a smaller family and then return with a new member of the family, who's going to stay for 18+ years, and who you have to love and care for forever. That hits you like a brick wall. You walk into your house and it's all different. What now? In the hospital you had nurses taking care of you and the baby. You had food trays delivered. You didn't have any real responsibilities, but then you get home and you are on your own. Sure you may have family or friend support, but this is really on you now.

It's all blissful and exciting until your exhaustion hits and the baby starts crying and you start nursing and your nipples scream for a break and your mind screams for sleep. Your stomach screams for food. Panic sets in.

The days are easiest. Something happens when the sun sets and it's dark. It's like sadness and desperation roll in. You're hoping for sleep, but know sleep is not about to come. This smooshy nugget needs you. Your partner will want to help but you'll soon realize that there's not much they can do. This baby wants your breast. They want your touch and your scent. They need you and only you right now. It's a lot of overwhelming pressure.

I remember a few days after being discharged from the hospital, I was sitting in my rocking chair in my pristine nursery feeding my new baby. It was bedtime, or what bedtime used to be. I was exhausted. I was nursing every 30 minutes around the clock. I couldn't catch a break. My nipples hated me. I was beyond exhausted. The tears started coming. They wouldn't stop. I remember thinking, "I don't want this baby. I want my life back. I want to travel. I want to sleep when I want. I can't do this. I don't want this. I don't want to breastfeed. I'm not ready for a baby." It was one of the most awful thoughts to have. I didn't expect to ever feel that way. No one prepared me to feel that way. Sure they tell you you'll be emotional and cry easier, but I didn't expect to not want my baby. It was a planned pregnancy after all, all I ever wanted was a baby... until that moment. To look down at that brand new innocent baby and think that you don't want her. That made me cry more. There was nothing my husband could do. I just had to get through this point. And I did. It took a few days, but I started slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of normalcy. A glimmer of sleep and spaced out feedings. I continued my breastfeeding journey and just reached our 3 month "nurse-aversary."

Having a baby is life changing, everyone will tell you. It doesn't mean much until you live it. I just wished I knew a little more of what to expect. It's more than not going to fancy restaurants for awhile. It's more than having to get a babysitter. It changes your marriage, your relationships, your partnerships with the people you love. It can change it for the better or for worse, but it will change it. Your marriage or relationship will be harder at first. You have to find your new normal, your new pattern of life with the three of you. It will take awhile because the first couple of months you're consumed with figuring out the baby. Just getting out of the house is daunting. DAUNTING.

Men and women see things differently when it comes to new babies. You will have different opinions. You will have different roles. Men tend to bond differently with newborns than women do, and sometimes it takes longer for them to bond. It may be difficult to stomach at first, but they will slowly adapt and find their parenting style. My husband didn't bond with Avi like I did, and it took him a little bit. In my emotional state, to me it meant he didn't love her. It was hard to see him not fawn over her like I did. Men sometimes just aren't that way. I thought we would react the same. Show our love the same. It's not always the case. I have to remember, I carried her in my womb, delivered her from my body, nurse her from the milk my body makes. My bond with my daughter will always be different from my husbands, but that does not mean he loves her less. This aspect is just difficult to get through and understand when you're so consumed with emotions and hormones and just the newness of the situation. Know everything will play out. Everyone will find their parenting style, their role, their place in the family. There's plenty of love to go around. Love multiplies, it does not divide.

For me, it was critical to find a new mama support group. I needed to get out of the house. To be with people who were also exhausted, overwhelmed, insecure about nursing. I needed to find others like me. I went to a moms group for 6 weeks. I look back and cannot believe how much we all grew. The biggest change I see in all of us is our confidence. Confidence as parents, as new moms. Confidence in not just nursing, but nursing in front of people. Confidence in getting out of the house and getting somewhere on time. Knowing that shit happens. You baby will cry in public. They will actually scream. Your boobs may leak, you may sweat, but you will be okay. People will notice less than you think, they may actually be relieved to know that they aren't the only ones. Tomorrow is another day. Everyone will forget the small stuff.

 Once you get the hang of life with a new baby, you may laugh at the small things you used to stress about. You'll feel like you've come so far, and you have! Now is the time to work on your personal relationships. Make time for yourself without the baby. Do it now because it will be harder if you wait. Take small steps. Go for a walk while someone watches the baby. You will realize you can be without your baby. You can clear your mind, get some rest, some fresh air. Enjoy a pastry, or coffee. You will be a better parent for those small moments you make for yourself. 

My best advice is finding support. Finding a new moms group, a breastfeeding group. Something that connects you with others in your situation. If the sadness is hard to get through, or you can't function from day to day, seek help. Know that others are in your boat. You are not alone. At 3am when you're feeding or rocking your baby, know you are not the only one. There are other tired mamas rocking and nursing their new babies in a dark room. You will get through it.

Avi is 12 weeks, and it seems like yesterday we brought her home, yet when I think about those sleepless desperate nights, it seems like years. I have come so far as a new mom and still have a ways to go. Everyday I learn something about her, about myself, about my husband. I learn about our new life as a family of 3. It's always an evolving and changing process.

Take a breath. Relax. Give yourself a break. You can do this.