Welcome to my awkward, innapropriate preggo life

awkward nipple shot... there's no way around it.

So I am definitely preggo at this point. I mean, there's no hiding it anymore, I'm beyond the fat girl stage. As I've come this far I look back at the awkward or inappropriate moments I've had, usually in public, and I write this to save you from doing the same. Please, take a walk with me through my awkward pregnancy, kinda like going through puberty again!

1. WEDDINGS- Maybe you can dodge going to weddings during your pregnancy, or maybe you'll be like a month preg where it doesn't matter, however going to a wedding at 30+ weeks pregnant is a whole 'nother beast... and to make it more awesome, lets go stag!

One of my good friends got married, amazingly beautiful black tie style, and my hubs had another wedding, so we decided to split for the events, which at like 20 weeks I thought was no biggie. Time came and I realized, large marge was on her own to socialize and not be awkward as the single preg person at a formal affair. I got my black dress on and some heels and felt great, so part of me forgot I was pregnant... that's where the awkwardness happens, when you pretend you are your 25-year-old single self... not 29, married and laboring during the wedding.

The dance floor opens and I hear the song "SHOUT" come one. One of my ultimate favorite wedding songs... and again, forgetting I was preggo rama, hit the dance floor. I moved and swiveled and jumped when they said jump, and I got low when we were getting low.... People looked at me in awe. An 8 month preggo in heels, jumping around the dance floor?! This lead to belly rubs and stares...

 
  NO, JUST NO. GET YOUR PREG ASS BACK TO YOUR SEAT AND SIT QUIETLY AND EAT YOUR ICE CREAM .

Not to mention at the end of the night, aka 10:30, the bride comes shouting down the hallway, "you're mom's here to pick you up!" PURE SMOOTHNESS.

2. BODILY FUNCTIONS- I've talked about bodily functions before, how they are uncontrollable and at times violent in nature, but then you become real in tune with all those moves, noises and juices. yes. juices. I know I still have 2 months to go, but I'm also at the point where I can go into early labor and the baby will survive. That adds some scare to your day.

I'm at a bar with a friend (see awkward moment #3) and we go to use the restroom. I get up to flush when I notice something in the toilet... yes, this will be gross. I panic and almost yell out "I THINK I LOST MY MUCOUS PLUG!"

NO, YOU WILL NOT YELL THAT IN PUBLIC. HELL, DON'T EVEN WHISPER ABOUT ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH MUCOUS, OR PLUG.

Don't you worry your pretty face off, that mucous plug was just someone's poop/period smear. Phew! Told you... vomit comit grossness.

3. I'M PREG AT A BAR- I'm not talking bar hoping, I'm talking one bar after dinner where I had water and my friend got a drink. Also, everything in my life takes place before 10:30pm, so early on it's still pretty quiet in said bar. A drunk dude prances in and starts talking/singing to my friend and I. I don't think he noticed my protruding alien bump of a fetus, and again I forgot my "situation" and almost opened my pie hole to shout, "want to buy us a drink?"

STOP IT. NO ONE WANTS TO BUY YOU A DRINK, IN FACT HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ONCE HE SEES YOUR "SITUATION." IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR SOBER PREG ASS HOME.

On our way out, it's gotten more crowded in the bar area, and I have forgotten I cannot suck in this bump, but before I realize that, I am stuck behind someone's chair, yes stuck....Do you say "excuse me, I'm so pregnant I can't make it through here?" No... I squeeze through, most likely leaving a smoosh dent in meeba's head, but hey, that's why babies heads are so pliable in the first place!

4. JOB INTERVIEWS-  Stupidly knowing that I'm about to pop and that I love my job, I still decided to apply for a surgical position at the hospital I currently work. I thought, I have no experience, they will not look twice at my resume. WRONG. I was asked to come in for an interview and so being the special human being that I am, I decided "I can hide this bump and go in with my awesomeness." I found the blousiest shirt I could find, paired with a blazer and heels and I was the girl with a beer belly ready for an interview. I don't think anyone noticed, so of course when they asked me when I could start, I blurted out THREE WEEKS!

WTF ARE YOU DOING?! THREE WEEKS! SO THEN WHEN NO ONE NOTICES YOUR PREG BELLY AND YOU WORK FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS, YOU JUST APOLOGIZE FOR SPILLING YOUR FETUS ON THE OPERATING ROOM FLOOR ONE DAY? NO, TAKE YOUR ASS BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND SIT ON YOUR BIRTH BALL QUIETLY.

So basically my recommendation to you is when you're so preg you can't hide it, it's time to take off the bra, put on the muumuu and house shoes, and eat bon-bon's at home for the next few months until you recover from  your "situation."